i dont know. i just feel like i dont matter to anyone who matters to me. i was what i considered to be a pretty significant part of the music scene while i was in it, and the only reason anyone ever talked to me was because they thought i was hot or something. and now that i dont look like all the other girls, im not as pretty at all. i even got tattoos partly for the music scene. and i get no appreciation for it. i cant fucking stand it. i want to cry thinking about how worthless i am and  if i ever really was anything more than a face in the crowd. i wish i could travel, and be involved in music all the time. but i cant. im fucking stuck in this place i love but dont want to be in. i love my life, but its not what i want. it sucks. everyone i tried to be friends with or connect with just dont care enough. im not cool enough. im not good enough. for whatever reason it is. its not fair. i tried so hard, and i get nothing. i never asked for anything in return. i basically had to beg to get into shows for free and i couldnt afford it. because i wasnt the pretty girl. anything like that. i just feel used up and dried out. i feel like everything i did was for nothing. i am nothing.